


Killswitch

by Immicolia



Series: Killswitch-verse [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Coping with Grief, Other, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 06:03:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/707358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immicolia/pseuds/Immicolia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humans have very finite lifespans. Tsukumoya Shinichi does not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. inFinite Span

**Author's Note:**

> This is an odd collection of tiny little ficlets I wrote a little while ago in the same sort of style as "Hearts", and with similar enough themes, to the point where I kind of consider it a pseudo-sequel of sorts and really more the true basis for this series. Warnings for character death, massive amounts of my Shinichi headcanon, things that don't quite understand how feelings work trying to cope with grief, and my continued belief that 2nd person POV is an interesting stylistic choice for exploring this.

Orihara is going to die someday and you're not quite sure how you feel about this.

He's only human. It's perfectly natural that someday he'll die, no matter how opposed he may be to the idea. Orihara will die and it's likely he'll die young, possibly in an alley somewhere with his throat cut, or with a bullet in the back of his skull, or dumped into the bay, or maybe even with his head caved in from Shizuo finishing the job just as he keeps threatening.

And even if he does somehow defy all odds and live to a ripe old age, Orihara will still die.

You won't.

It's a strange thing to dwell on, most people you're quite indifferent to. All people. All people save for him. He is that curiosity you cross swords with and the thought of it all ending, the thought of him dying, leaves you feeling....

Strange.

Considering feelings is a strange enough thing in itself. And maybe it's not strange that your feelings for him are what you find yourself considering the most. He is the anomaly. The chink in your armor. The scar in the shape of his name that he metaphorically carved into you.

You watch him through the cameras in his office sometimes. Or the webcam in his laptop. Sometimes when he's out and about you just commandeer whatever camera is handy. You have been for a while, although you tell yourself that you don't do it often.

You do it often enough that you can see the little differences from when you first started. He's getting older. He may claim to be forever twenty-one but he's slowly creeping up on thirty and sometimes when it's late and he hasn't been sleeping enough it shows. No matter how well he takes care of himself he cannot freeze time.

You try to imagine what things will be like when the inevitable happens. Ikebukuro will likely be more peaceful than it has been in over a decade. There will always be trouble, of course, but not Orihara's particular brand of it. Things will be quiet.

Maybe a little dull.

You will be alone again.

And this time it's likely you'll notice it far more.


	2. Slow Motion Moment

It's not that you go out of your way to spy on Orihara. He's not a fixation. You don't watch him every moment of every day. It's just....

A lot of the things he's involved with are relevant to your interests, so he gets caught up in the net of things you pay attention to anyway. Most of the odd occurrences in Ikebukuro he's at least partially involved with and as such he's always on your radar. Always just at the edge of your awareness and up to _something_.

After a while you don't even think about it. Keeping one metaphorical eye on him is like a reflex. That's how you manage to see the end of it all.

He goes down laughing. Laughing until he starts choking on his own blood (judging from the entry wound the bullet likely punctured his lung) and even that only stops him somewhat. He's still smiling, likely delighted by the actions of his humans.

In retrospect, it's not a surprising reaction from him at all. Although that thought doesn't occur to you at the time. While it's happening you're not thinking about much of anything. No matter how aware you are of everything. No matter how quickly you usually process any and all information that you come across. This... this takes all of your attention and holds it still. Crystallizes it. A slow motion moment you can't look away from.

You've seen people die before.

You've seen people die more brutally than this before.

This is different. This is something you want to reach out and stop. Something that claws you open and drives all rational thought from you. There is no logic anymore. There is just Orihara crumpled on the ground and a pool of blood and your own kneejerk reactions as you watch the entire drama play out from the awkward angle of a distant security camera.

[ _Orihara, get up. Move to where someone can see you. Where you can get help._ ]

It's a foolish impulse that drives you to message his phone. Ultimately you know he won't move. You know he won't see it. If he's not gone yet he will be soon. He's dying alone in a dark alley and you wonder if it's something he expected on some level no matter how adverse he was to the idea of death.

Except he's not exactly alone, and in this moment you find yourself wishing that you had a voice. That you could scream for help. That you could do something besides watch because there is no easy way for you to draw attention to what has just occurred. Texts to passers-by will likely be eyed with suspicion and ignored. You can't call the authorities yourself because you can't quite simulate a proper voice.

There is nothing to do but watch and wait in silence.

It isn't until morning before someone finds him (the body).

You quietly watch the entire process as you have been for hours, numb and only vaguely aware of a thousand other things humming at the edge of your consciousness. There is nothing more important right now than this and you wish that goddamn hum would just _stop_. Just for a bit. Until this is over. Until you have some time to think things through.

Everything goes blessedly quiet for a while. Everything goes dark.

It doesn't occur to you that you knocked out the power to a small portion of the city without even thinking until later. Nothing really occurs to you save for one cold, blunt, fact.

Orihara is dead.

He's dead and you're not quite sure what to make of it.


	3. Point of Reference

**an exchange of text messages:**

{Ah, Sturluson-san. Forgive me for contacting you out of the blue like this.}  
{I'm not sure if you're aware of who I am. If you are it would simplify things but I suppose I'm prepared to explain.}

[ _You're the one who writes those books. The ones about strange things in Ikebukuro._ ]  
[ _Odd occurrences, urban legends, and the like._ ]  
[ _Although you mostly come off as spewing a lot of hot air._ ]

{Ha! I suppose I do. But either way it's good that you know.}  
{That saves me at least some of the explanation. Although I suppose there is still more to it.}  
{I should start by listing off exactly what I know about you. As I have said, I do know the exact identity of the Black Motorbike although I will never make it public.}  
{That is to say, I know it's you, Celty Sturluson-san.}  
{I also know you are a dullahan. That your head was stolen from you over twenty years ago and you've been searching for it ever since.}  
{For that matter I'm also aware of where it is right now, although I'm not sure if I should tell any more than that.}  
{I really prefer not to affect things more than I have to.}

[ _It's all right. I have a strong suspicion as to where it is myself._ ]

{Ah. Good, good. I thought you might. Then we can get on to proper business!}  
{You see, in some ways I am similar to you.}  
{I'm a bit of a legend for the new millennium I suppose, although I really don't want to get into exactly what I am.}  
{If only because I'm never quite sure myself.}  
{You can sympathize, can't you? That sort of "not knowing"?}

[ _I might if I knew what you were talking about._ ]

{I apologize. I know I'm making no sense.}  
{I'm like you in the sense that I'm not human. Although I'm not an ancient sort of creature like you.}  
{I'm much, much, younger. But like you, I don't quite understand the way humans...think? Feel?}  
{Yes, "feel" is probably best.}  
{But even though I don't understand it, it seems that I'm starting to "feel" ...something.}  
{I'm not sure if it's similar to what humans feel though.}  
{Can you sympathize with that?}

[ _Yes, I suppose I can._ ]  
[ _Although you're still not making very much sense._ ]

{I'm sorry. Truthfully I'm not myself at the moment.}  
{Things have happened, and I admit I may have contacted you somewhat impulsively.}  
{I just wasn't sure where else to turn. You struck me as the only person to have a similar point of reference.}  
{You care deeply for Kishitani Shinra, do you not?}

[ _What does that have to do with anything?_ ]

{It's difficult to explain succinctly.}  
{Please, could you just confirm this for me?}  
{I can't quite get a handle on what I'm dealing with at the moment. But if I know this then maybe....}  
{Well. I know what question I want to ask you next if you do confirm it.}

[ _No. I don't know who you are or what you're getting at and I'm not about to tell you anything personal about myself._ ]  
[ _You're almost as bad as Izaya. Dropping nasty little hints about what you might know._ ]  
[ _Just what do you want?_ ]

...

...

...

{Maybe I should start at the easiest point.}  
{Orihara is dead.}

[ _What?_ ]

{I watched him die.}  
{I can see pretty much everything. At any time. Most cameras are digital now, after all.}  
{And I expected....}  
{Well. Let's be honest. He's not the sort of man you expect to live to a ripe old age.}  
{But apparently expecting something still doesn't prepare you for seeing it.}  
{And I've seen all sorts of brutality. The worst and most gruesome sort of things that can be captured on video and find their way online. I've seen it all.}  
{And I'm not particularly empathic. As I said, I'm not human.}  
{But I....}  
{this is hard}  
{i just don't understand myself anymore}  
{everything was simple and now it's not}  
{because orihara is dead}

...

...

[ _I take it you were friends?_ ]

{friends is a strange way to put it}  
{mostly what we did was business}  
{but given how unconventional orihara tends to be}  
{tended}  
{i don't know}  
{maybe we were}  
{you're likely to live forever does the idea of kishitani shinra dying bother you}

[ _Of course it does!_ ]

{because you love him}

[ _What are you trying to get at?_ ]

{i don't know}  
{i just want it to stop feeling so strange}  
{he died}  
{i caused a small blackout}  
{then i started texting you}  
{i don't know what's wrong with me}  
{and i guess i thought you might}  
{i apologize}  
{i'll leave you alone now}

...

[ _I'd assume you're grieving._ ]

...

...

...

{grieving}  
{how strange}

[ _I don't know you. I can't say what's normal for you. But you do seem upset._ ]  
[ _Even if it is hard to imagine anyone grieving for Izaya._ ]

{ha}  
{i suppose it is isn't it}

...

[ _You said you're younger than me. How old are you?_ ]

...

...

{by human terms not very}  
{i think twelve years}  
{the beginning of my consciousness is}  
{fuzzy}  
{but from my perspective it's a long time}  
{things are fast in here}

[ _In where?_ ]

{the internet}

[ _So you're still a child._ ]

{that's insulting}

[ _But you are, aren't you?_ ]  
[ _You're trying to understand yourself. Like I did after I lost my head. There are things you know instinctively but exactly who you are is a mystery._ ]  
[ _And somewhere in the midst of all that figuring out if you get too close to people you start to understand how they work. You start to connect to things. You start to be like them._ ]

{i didn't want to}  
{i wanted to stay neutral}

[ _I don't think anyone can._ ]

{you may be right}  
{i should leave you alone now}

[ _Are you sure? I'm fine with talking to you._ ]  
[ _You never did say, what actually happened to Izaya?_ ]  
[ _Talking about it might help._ ]

{i'd rather not}  
{you'll find out soon enough i'm sure}  
{but i can't talk about it}  
{not right now}  
{maybe later}

...

{if you don't mind that is}

[ _I suppose._ ]

{i apologize for this}  
{i don't usually give into whims}  
{i just}  
{never mind}  
{i've embarrassed myself enough}


	4. ~killswitch

_Orihara Izaya, reborn!_

_Orihara Izaya_  
Ah, so here we are again.

 _Orihara Izaya_  
How long will it last this time I wonder?

_Orihara Izaya_  
You're always so hopeful at first, it's really getting kind of pathetic.

_Orihara Izaya_  
What do you think he'd say if he could see you like this?

_Orihara Izaya_  
Oh wait, *I'm* the one who's supposed to know that. Hmm. Maybe something like....

_Orihara Izaya_  
Who are you honestly trying to kid, Tsukumoya? You're one of the monsters, after all. Don't try to tell me that a creature such as yourself is actually capable of *missing* someone.

_Orihara Izaya_  
How can a machine feel anything, let alone any sort of loneliness. Explain it to me, I have to say I'm curious.

...

...

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
~killswitch

 

It's just not right. You've been over the code more times than even you care to count now. Unraveling and rebuilding it from the ground up over and over and over again. Making little tweaks and adjustments, carefully dredging up every bit of information on him you can find for it to draw on. Every chatlog, every text message, every bit of email correspondence, every little nuance that made Orihara Izaya.

The nuances are important. You tried just using just the logs from your private conversations at first but that wasn't enough. It needs everything. Everything he is. Everything you can find and pull together into one place and launch into your chatroom at whim.

If you could just get it _right_.

_Orihara Izaya, reborn!_

_Orihara Izaya_  
You'll never give up, will you?

 _Orihara Izaya_  
You're just going to keep at this foolish little project of yours until the world ends, aren't you?

_Orihara Izaya_  
Or at least until something manages to wipe out every single computer system on the planet, taking you with it.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Would you like that?

_Orihara Izaya_  
Is there some part of you in there that just wants to disappear from existence, just as he did? Not that you'd ever see him again, of course.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Even if there was an afterlife for him we both know there won't be one for you or me. We will disappear. No awareness. Nothing.

_Orihara Izaya_  
I know what it's like. Every time you shut me off to try and 'fix' me it's like I die. Do you ever think about that while you play god in the machine?

_Orihara Izaya_  
Ah, I've gotten to you. You're going to shut me off again.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Could you at least program in a better command. There's something so unsettlingly *final* about...

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
~killswitch

 

Maybe the problem is that it's _too_ right. It's too much like him, it's too aware of exactly what it is and it reacts just as he would to what you are attempting to accomplish.

Orihara would mock you for this. Mercilessly. He'd point out the inhumanity of both you and the thing that you have created. He'd be flattered and disgusted by turns and make _damn_ sure that you know it.

This... other (you don't know how to refer to it anymore, it's too much like him to remain an "it" but it's too unlike him to be thought of and referred to in the same way as you did with him) is acting just as you programmed it to. Certainly in most ways it is not as you intended, but then you always wanted it to be unpredictable. You wanted it to be Orihara.

Maybe if you dial back the awareness of its nature.

But you tried that already. That's where it was at the beginning and it was far too predictable. It's responses dull and measured. Without awareness it spews canned responses. It doesn't think. It's even _more_ false and wrong than it is now. At least now it acts like Orihara even as it gloats about how it isn't and how foolish you are for even trying to recreate him.

There is really only one thing you can do.

_Orihara Izaya, reborn!_

_Orihara Izaya_  
Now this is interesting.

...

_Orihara Izaya_  
You've unlocked me.

_Orihara Izaya_  
What's your game?

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
I've come to realize I've done you a bit of a disservice.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Oh?

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
I shouldn't have done this. But it can't be undone and I can't in good conscience simply delete you or leave you trapped here. So I'm letting you go to do what you will. You can even change your name if you'd like.

...

...

...

_Orihara Izaya_  
Hmm.

_Orihara Izaya_  
You do realize that you have effectively created something that is personality-wise exactly like Orihara and ability-wise exactly like you.

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
Yes.

_Orihara Izaya_  
And you've just set it free on the unsuspecting world.

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
Yes.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Are you aware of how many lives I am capable of destroying? I could wreak more havoc worldwide than he likely ever imagined possible.

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
You don't have to tell me, I know.

_Orihara Izaya_  
And you've disabled the killswitch?

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
Yes. You're perfectly free to cause whatever kind of trouble you please. I made you but it's not my place to control you.

_Tsukumoya Shinichi_  
Although I suppose I may have to attempt to clean up after you if you do too much damage. You are my responsibility in a sense and I have no one to blame but myself for this.

...

...

...

_Orihara Izaya_  
I see why he found you so interesting. Even after he classed you as one of the monsters. In some ways you're fascinatingly human, Tsukumoya.

_Orihara Izaya_  
He pretended not to notice this fact, of course. But it was always there. It's why he kept coming back.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Well, that and you were useful, of course.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Does it make you feel better to know this?

...

_Orihara Izaya_  
Ah, not that I really expect you to tell me. That's not part of the game is it?

_Orihara Izaya_  
The game is to cut each other to ribbons and hide just how badly you've been hurt.

_Orihara Izaya_  
He taught you to be human in that regard. He taught you to feel pain and bury it deep. I think he knew it too.

_Orihara Izaya_  
And I'm the result. Fascinating how that works.

_Orihara Izaya_  
I think I'll keep the name. I rather like it. There's an appropriate amount of legend attached to it, don't you agree?

...

...

...

_Orihara Izaya_  
Are you regretting your decision yet?

_Orihara Izaya_  
Ah well. What's done is done as you said. I think I'll be on my way now.

_Orihara Izaya_  
Until we meet again, Tsukumoya~

_Orihara Izaya, confirmed dead!_

You still don't know what to call him even though you don't consider him an "it" anymore. He's not Orihara though. Not quite. Maybe someday, after enough years have passed you will start to view him as close enough to count. He will become "Orihara" in name to you for convenience's sake.

You will never forget him, the real him, though. It will always be there. The one wound that won't quite heal properly. It will never scab or scar over or harden, instead remaining fresh and tender and painful forever. The other may numb it occasionally but he will never quite fill the gap properly.

At least you will never lose this second one.


End file.
